And Just Like that...it's gone

So yesterday was my birthday, an awesome day by all measures.  What I didn't include in my blog posting yesterday is that I spent my entire birthday morning downtown at the office where I used to work before Syd was born, meeting with a colleague from Toronto to suss out the details of a return to work on a part time basis this fall.

It was a great meeting.  We chatted over coffee about logistics and what training would look like and start dates and salaries.  I left feeling on cloud nine.  You see, I didn't realize how much I loved my job until I had been at home with a baby for fifteen months and realized that I was never going back.

There were so many things that I loved about my job: my colleagues and clients of course, but also the feeling of productivity and the reward of reaching goals on an continual basis.  Sales is great for that, very gratifying and I worked on a dynamic and amazing team of women that fast became some of my closest friends.

So the thought of going back part time and still having the time to be a great Mom to Sydney was absolutely dreamy.  It was the best of both worlds and I was so happy to be getting a part of myself back that had been missing for so long, at long last.

This decision hasn't been without it's share of stress.  Finding childcare for Sydney for three half days a week was difficult and in the end two amazing Mom friends stepped up and offered to take her for the afternoons.  It was going to be perfect.

Then today the phone rang and it was my boss Cathy delivering the news that the long anticipated contract that I was waiting to sign was not coming.  The company had decided that they wouldn't entertain having my role covered on a part time basis as we'd been led to believe and that we couldn't proceed with my offer unless I was prepared to go back full time.

And just like that the dream was dead.  All the sleepless nights figuring out the details, registering with countless nanny agencies, preparing Sydney for the change of not having Mom around 24/7, lengthy discussions with Paul about this upcoming change, all for nothing.

I got off the phone and burst into tears.  I am so sad.  I had been so looking forward to this opportunity for months and just when it seemed that every last detail had fallen into place the rug was yanked out from under me.

It was a hard day.  I've had a myriad of emotions from sad to angry to relief to disbelief.  This much I do know,  I have a wonderful life, a healthy, beautiful spirited little girl whom I adore and who adores me back and Paul always at my side.  This door closing is not the end of my career.  There will be other opportunities down the line and in the mean time I am going to rock this year like no other.  I just need a few moments to lick my wounds before feeling empowered again.

Onwards and upwards as they say...